Discipline as Discipleship: How Loving Parental Discipline Prepares Kids for Life
The mission of the church is to make disciples and the front- line of that mission is in the home with our children. They are the first “people group” a church needs to reach with the gospel, and parents are the “missionaries” sent to them. If you’re a par- ent this is your mission! It’s not primarily to help your children get good grades, excel in sports, or attain hefty scholarships. Rather, set your sights on God’s priorities: aim at helping your children come to know, love, and serve Jesus Christ.
Every Christian parent will agree with that priority readily enough. Children, however, won’t - at least not initially! Like ev- ery human since Adam, they’re born with an agenda to live for their own desires. They are born practical atheists, ruled by the passions of the flesh and enslaved to sinful desires (Eph. 2:1-3). Or, as Proverbs puts it, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child” (22:15). It is for this reason that parents need more than a desire to raise their kids in the truth. They need to understand God’s methods for discipling them. And too often, this is where we fail.
The purpose of this article is to introduce a critical compo- nent of biblical parenting: discipline. Many Christian parents have no idea how to discipline their children – particularly as it relates to spankings, swats, reminders – corporeal child discipline. They’re desperately afraid of doing it wrong and messing up big time.
However much we might fear it, God has given us this respon- sibility. Proverbs makes this abundantly clear, and this article will aim to summarize what they teach about biblical parental discipline.
Biblical Discipline Comes From Parents That Delight in Their Children
Proverbs 3:11-12 “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.”
A principle conveyed here is that God’s discipline flows from love and delight, not retaliation or frustration. And that’s how parents ought to discipline their kids. Discipline is much easier for a child to accept when the child is convinced his parents tru- ly delight in him. If the atmosphere of a household is dark and parents are perpetually high strung and ready to snap, children will think that their discipline flows from the parents’ anger, not love. J.C. Ryle notes that “Love is one grand secret of successful training.”
Biblical Discipline Is a Rescue Mission
Proverbs 6:23-24 “For the commandment is a lamp and the teach- ing a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, to preserve you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress.”
Proverbs 23:13-14 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.”
In the first text God makes clear that reproof and discipline are protective. They “preserve” us from evil - evils like fornica- tion and adultery. The second text makes the same point: that discipline is God’s means of protecting our children from death - both physical and spiritual.
Think of sin like a path your children are tempted to explore. It’s a dangerous path, filled with thorns, snares, and enemies that threaten the lives of your children. When you see your chil- dren headed toward that path, you need to act swiftly to protect them. That’s what discipline is. It’s rescue. It helps them return to the path of joy and blessing.
Biblical Discipline Includes “The Rod”
“The rod” is the Proverbs’ way of referring to what many peo- ple today call “spankings.” In recent years the use of the rod has been questioned. Some call it child abuse. Some know it’s right, but are so afraid of doing it wrong they never do it at all. But consider the following texts that exhort parents to use “the rod” in discipline.
Proverbs 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
Proverbs 22:15 “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.”
Proverbs 23:13-14 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.”
Proverbs 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”
Proverbs 29:19 “By mere words a servant is not disciplined, for though he understands, he will not respond.”
Children are not born morally neutral. They’re born foolish. As Voddie Baucham quipped about a wayward toddler: “That’s a viper in a diaper and you better get it under control!” Should their folly continue to grow and blossom, they will bring great suffering everywhere they go. Parents must use “the rod” for the benefit of their children.
The word for rod in Hebrew is shebet, and it refers to a small branch, a stick, an offshoot. It’s the word used to refer to a shep- herd’s staff. A shepherd would use a shebet to guide and direct his flock, and often that meant using the rod to hit the sheep when they persisted in the wrong path.
A shebet was not for an angry shepherd who wanted to beat up his sheep, but rather for shepherds who loved their sheep and wanted to protect them. The physical, tactile, even painful sensation from the shebet taught the sheep to stay near.
A faithful parent will never vent his anger upon a child. Rath- er, the faithful parent recognizes the threat of folly, the danger of sin, and thus moves toward the child in love, providing the God-given remedy. Whenever there is clear disobedience, God’s way calls for “the rod.” In those cases, a parent should lovingly correct the child by removing him from the situation, explain- ing his offense, giving him a swat, embracing him in love, and restoring him to fellowship.
Before moving on, let’s be clear: physical abuse of a child is a gross sin. If you cannot control your temper and are tempted to inflict more pain than needed, stop. Never attempt to discipline a child while angry or out of control. The goal of discipline is not to frighten into submission. Rather, it inflicts small measures of pain in the moment to prevent greater amounts later on.
Biblical Discipline Is God’s Way to Drive Folly From Our Children
Proverbs 22:15 “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.”
Children don’t learn to sin because they see others doing it, they learn to sin because they’re sinners. It’s part of their nature. I have never screamed at my wife because she took my favorite toy, but that never stopped my toddlers from doing it. No one needs to teach them selfishness. Why? Because “folly is bound up in the heart of a child.”
God says that the way our children are released from the bonds of folly is through loving discipline. When a parent con- sistently disciplines a child, the child learns to associate sin with pain, and that’s a good thing.
Biblical Discipline Gives Wisdom to the Child (29:15)
This is the other side of the coin. Discipline drives off folly and welcomes wisdom: Proverbs 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”
Wise children - respectful, hard-working, diligent, polite - are disciplined children. Parents who desire wise, contributing, productive children should work at being humble, godly, and consistent in discipline. Give the gift of wisdom to your children: discipline them in love.
Refusal to Biblically Discipline Is Harmful and Hateful to Our Children (13:24)
Proverbs 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
Sometimes we think “I can’t spank my children, I love them too much!” I understand this sentiment. This might be the hard- est part of parenting, and there have been times tears have been close to my eyes when disciplining the children I love. But listen to Tedd Tripp’s piercing observation:
“Who benefits if you do not spank your child? Surely not the child. The above passages make it clear that such failure places the child at risk. Who benefits? You do. You are delivered from the discomfort of spanking your child. You are delivered from the agony of causing discomfort for this one who is precious to you...According to this passage, it is hatred, not love, that will keep me from spanking my child. Love will force me to do it.”
Biblical Discipline Gives Rest and Delight to the Parent (29:17)
Proverbs 29:17 “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.”
There’s no question that a commitment to discipline will take time, energy, and effort. It will be emotionally draining. And it will expose your own sinfulness in the process.
But all discipline is forward looking. We discipline not be- cause it inflicts pain in the moment, but because it produces fruit in the future. A peaceful home, where parents can rest and enjoy their children, is the result of many long days and hard nights committed to the consistent discipline of their children.
Most people are surprised to learn that my sweetheart wife earned the nickname “Stubby” as a three-year-old” (short for stubborn). I’m told that there was something of a routine during family dinners in those days: the family would gather at the ta- ble, Ashley would act out, her sisters would roll their eyes and think, here we go again, her defiance would be met with swift, biblical discipline, and afterward they’d reconvene at the table. This happened for a whole year, like clockwork.
Ashley was saved shortly after that (four or five years old) and has since grown into a wise and godly woman. And she has (more than once) thanked her parents for their consistency to discipline. Her parents are enjoying the harvest of a well-disci- plined child.
Parents, Start Today
Parents, embrace God’s way. Talk with your spouse and get on the same page. Start praying for wisdom. Continue to review the Proverbs for direction. And let me urge you: If you’re not sure how to proceed, reach out for help immediately. If you’re not sure about how to discipline, when to discipline, or have more specific questions related to your specific situation, call a leader in the ch rch and get help. It really is that important. You won’t regret it.
